Beyond Valentine’s Day: Expert secrets to keeping the spark alive

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If you have been wondering if you or your partner has been not paying enough attention to your relationship, you are certainly not the only one. While long-term relationships have the potential to be deeply rewarding, they can also fall prey to complacency. The initial spark that kept you on your toes, might dim but need not necessarily fuse out. Some are led to believe that the one-off grand gesture (on a birthday or anniversary) might suffice, but long-term relationships require consistent nurturing through intentional efforts. Whether it's prioritising quality time or cultivating an everyday routine that is focused on showing up for each other in the most mundane of ways, deepening your bond requires commitment. This Valentine's Day, experts delve into the intricacies of long-term relationships and common challenges faced by couples. They share practical advice and insights to help you engage with your partner on a deeper level and cultivate a love that thrives for years to come.

Common pitfalls in long-term relationships

Many couples unknowingly drift into routines where they assume the spark will just keep burning on its own. Over time, the monotony of daily life eclipses the spontaneous moments that once made their heart race, and one or both partners could start missing out on the little acts of emotional and physical closeness. Relationship coach and marital counsellor, Rukayya Zirapur, shares five ways to avoid this:

1. Taking each other for granted
   It's easy to stop noticing or appreciating the little things your partner does. Try to say ‘thank you' or acknowledge their efforts.
2. Neglecting quality time
   Over time, we get busy with work, kids, or other priorities. Make it a point to spend undistracted time together regularly, even if it's just 20 minutes.
3. Poor conflict resolution
   Arguments that are left unresolved can create distance. Address issues calmly and focus on solutions instead of blaming.
4. Assuming instead of asking
   People change over time, so don't assume you know your partner's needs. Keep checking in with them.
5. Falling into repetitive routines
   Predictability can kill the excitement. Be open to trying new activities together or surprising each other occasionally.

Fading sparks: Recognising the signs and seeking help

When the spark starts to fade, you might notice small changes that add up over time. Dr. S A Idrees, consultant psychiatry at Manipal Hospital, Bhubaneshwar explains, "Conversations that once flowed easily may feel stilted or be avoided altogether, leaving you both feeling disconnected. You could experience more frequent, unresolved conflicts, or a lingering sense of being taken for granted that slowly erodes your bond. Emotional withdrawal - where you or your partner start to pull back, can also be a warning sign."

He tells us that if these issues lead to ongoing stress, anxiety, or even signs of depression, it's important to take them seriously. "Seeking professional help through couples therapy can provide a safe, neutral space to uncover and address these underlying issues. With the right guidance, you can work together to rebuild trust, enhance communication, and restore the intimacy that once defined your relationship," he shares.

How to communicate effectively

In case your partner is avoiding difficult discussions because they wish to avoid conflict, it may become frustrating and lead to resentment slowly building up. Effective communication can resolve most issues at a preliminary stage and help align the expectations of both partners. A respectful approach to communication not only meets emotional needs but also enriches your overall connection. Zirapur shares how this can be achieved:

1. Speak clearly, not critically
   Use ‘I feel' or ‘I need' statements rather than blaming or accusing your partner. For example, "I need more help with the kids" is better than "You never help!"
2. Be an active listener
   Pay attention to your partner's words without interrupting. Sometimes, they just need to be heard.
3. Respect boundaries
   Understand your partner's need for personal space or time. It's not about rejecting you; it's about recharging.
4. Create safe zones
   Have moments where both of you can talk openly without fear of judgment or retaliation.
5. Don't suppress emotions
   Avoid bottling up feelings out of fear of causing a fight. Sharing openly (at the right time) strengthens understanding.

Maintaining individuality and autonomy in Indian family structures

Within many Indian families, where strong values and deep bonds are cherished, it's equally important for couples to celebrate their individuality. "Each of you has unique interests, dreams, and hobbies that deserve attention - even amidst cherished family traditions. Sharing your personal goals openly helps ensure you both get that essential ‘me time' while still honouring the close-knit family culture," poses Idrees.

Having gentle conversations about setting boundaries with extended family can create a comfortable space for the couple. He suggests, "Regular check-ins, whether with each other or even with family members, make it easier to adjust and find a balance that works for everyone. Ultimately, both partners need to be willing to compromise, giving a support to family values. When you approach this give-and-take with understanding, you build a resilient, loving partnership that flourishes within the warmth of your traditional Indian family."

Small gestures, big impact: Everyday ways to keep the romance alive

Sustaining romance doesn't require grand gestures, small yet heartfelt gestures can often make a big difference. Instead of relying solely on planned date nights, try sprinkling little acts of kindness and affection throughout your day. "Remember, love isn't about perfection. It's about the effort you put in daily to grow together while respecting each other's individuality," says Zirapur. She lists 7 habits couples can adapt in their everyday lives to keep the romance alive:

1. Say ‘good morning' and ‘good night' intentionally
   A small greeting at the start and end of the day can strengthen connection.
2. Share a daily check-in
   Ask each other, "How was your day?" even if you know most of it.
3. Surprise gestures
   Leave a note, make them coffee, or randomly compliment them. These small surprises add warmth to your bond.
4. Laugh together
   Share a joke, watch something funny, or recall a silly memory. Humour is a great bonding tool.
5. Physical affection
   A hug, kiss, or holding hands can reignite closeness. These don't require words but speak volumes.
6. Help each other out
   Offer support without being asked - like taking on a chore they dislike or fixing something for them.
7. Reflect on happy memories
   Occasionally look through old photos, reminisce about vacations, or talk about your favourite moments together.

Finding the right approach of therapy for your relationship

Every couple's journey is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all when it comes to therapy. "Choosing the right therapy depends on your specific needs, goals, and comfort level. Starting with an initial consultation can help you find the right match," says Idrees.

The mental health practioner further elaborates on the diverse kinds of therapy, "Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps rebuild the safe, secure bonds that make you feel truly connected, offering enhance communication and smooth out conflicts. If negative thought patterns are getting in the way, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) might be just what you need. Narrative Therapy, on the other hand, lets you reframe your shared story in a way that brings you closer together. There are also solution-focused and psychodynamic approaches that can offer fresh perspectives. Ultimately, trust, openness, and a collaborative spirit are essential to building a stronger, lasting connection."

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