Growing up gay: Understanding same-sex attraction and the path to acceptance

Growing up, children gradually develop an understanding of themselves, their emotions, and the world around them. For many, this process includes discovering their identity, which encompasses not just personality traits, but also their preferences, including sexual orientation. For a young gay child who is unaware of the concept of homosexuality, discovering an attraction to the same sex can be a confusing and overwhelming experience. This confusion is often magnified by societal norms that lean heavily towards heterosexuality as the "default" or "normal" orientation.

The initial confusion

For a child who is growing up without knowledge of what it means to be gay, the first signs of same-sex attraction can feel bewildering. This child may notice that they feel differently toward peers of the same gender but might not understand why. Unlike heterosexual feelings, which are often openly discussed or portrayed in media, gay attraction might not have been something the child has been exposed to. This lack of representation leaves them without a framework to understand or articulate what they're experiencing.

The child might feel a sense of dissonance - an internal conflict between what they're feeling and what they've been implicitly taught or shown by their surroundings. Often, they may try to suppress or ignore these feelings, assuming they are abnormal. In some cases, this can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, or self-isolation.

Societal pressure and isolation

Society, especially in more traditional or conservative environments, can contribute heavily to the confusion. In many cultures, heterosexual relationships are promoted as the norm. Children may encounter these messages from family, schools, religious organizations, and media. When a child realizes they don't quite fit into that mold, the pressure to conform can be immense.

The lack of information about homosexuality can make it even more difficult for the child to understand that their feelings are completely natural. They may begin to think they are the only person experiencing these emotions, further increasing their sense of isolation. These children may also encounter negative attitudes toward homosexuality, which can further compound their anxiety and confusion. They may hear derogatory language or observe discrimination, causing them to fear rejection or judgment if they ever express their true feelings.

Emotional and psychological impact

This confusion can have significant emotional and psychological effects on a growing gay child. Not understanding why they feel different can lead to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, or even depression. These children might struggle with a sense of "otherness" as they feel they do not fit in with their peers or societal expectations. If the child internalises negative messages about homosexuality, this can also lead to low self-esteem, self-doubt, or fear about their future.

Some children might go through periods of denial, convincing themselves that their feelings are temporary or abnormal. They may try to force themselves into heterosexual relationships or suppress their true identity to fit in. This suppression can delay their emotional development and prevent them from forming healthy, authentic relationships later in life.

The role of parents

Once parents become aware that their child may be experiencing same-sex attraction, the way they respond can make a profound difference in how the child navigates their identity. Unfortunately, many parents are not prepared for such a realisation, especially if they have limited knowledge about or experience with LGBTQ+ issues.

A compassionate and open response

The best course of action for parents begins with educating themselves about homosexuality and the challenges that LGBTQ+ individuals often face. Parents must approach their child's feelings with empathy and an open mind, creating an environment where the child feels safe to express themselves without fear of judgment or rejection.

Open communication is crucial. Parents should allow their children to share what they are experiencing in their own time, without pressure. Simply letting the child know they are loved and supported, no matter what can provide immense relief and comfort. For many children, just knowing that they are accepted can alleviate much of the confusion and fear they've been experiencing.

Avoiding negative reactions

It's also important for parents to avoid negative or dismissive reactions. Responses that downplay or invalidate the child's feelings can cause lasting harm, reinforcing the idea that their feelings are abnormal or wrong. Even well-meaning attempts to "fix" the child's orientation by pushing them toward heterosexual norms or suppressing their emotions can lead to emotional distress and hinder the child's self-acceptance.

Parents should also avoid trying to "rush" their children into labelling their orientation. Sexuality can be complex and fluid, especially during the early stages of discovery. The child should be given space and time to explore their feelings and come to terms with their identity at their own pace.

Professional support

In some cases, it might be beneficial for both the child and the parents to seek professional support, such as from a counsellor or therapist experienced in LGBTQ+ issues. A therapist can help the child process their feelings in a healthy way, guide them through their emotional development, and offer strategies to cope with any external pressures or confusion. For parents, therapy can provide tools to better support their child and navigate their feelings or concerns about their child's future.

Support groups for parents of LGBTQ+ children can also be incredibly helpful. These groups can allow parents to connect with others who may have gone through similar experiences, providing valuable perspective and advice. Knowing that other families have navigated this path successfully can be encouraging for parents who feel uncertain or overwhelmed.

Building a supportive environment

Both the child and their parents must foster an environment of support and inclusivity. Parents can also advocate for their children's well-being by ensuring they are in schools or environments where diversity and inclusion are prioritised. Educators and institutions that actively support LGBTQ+ students can provide a safer, more welcoming space for the child to express themselves.

The path to acceptance

Ultimately, the confusion that a growing gay child feels when encountering same-sex attraction is a normal part of the process for many LGBTQ+ individuals. However, with the right support, both from parents and the wider community, the child can begin to understand and accept their identity. This journey requires patience, openness, and, most importantly, unconditional love. When a child knows they are supported, no matter what, they are far more likely to grow into a confident, happy, and emotionally healthy individual who can embrace their true self without fear.

Also Read: Men at risk: Understanding sexual health and the impact of harassment

Understanding the risks of Anal sex

When addressing same-sex attraction, it's always necessary to discuss the potential risks associated with anal sex.

The anal tissue is delicate and can easily tear, which increases the likelihood of infections, including sexually transmitted infections (STIs) such as HIV. Additionally, the anus lacks natural lubrication, which can lead to discomfort or injury during penetration.

Good hygiene practices are also critical, as bacteria in the rectal area can lead to infections if they enter other parts of the body.

Encouraging open communication about sexual health and safe sex practices can help your child make informed and responsible decisions. Awareness of these risks is essential for ensuring a healthy and safe experience as they navigate their sexuality.

Prof. Dr. Rajan Bhonsle, M.D. is a Senior Sex Therapist and Counsellor from Mumbai, practicing for more than 35 years. He is a Hon. Professor and Head of the Department of Sexual Medicine at K.E.M.Hospital and G.S.Medical College Mumbai.

The views expressed here are the individual's and don't represent those of the paper.