Lobo Lobo and the big bash

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over, with a bounce in his step, dressed rather nattily.

"Uhm, hello Lobo Lobo, you seem very chipper today. Where have you come from?"

"I've returned back from dat Jamnagar, Dikuna men," he said quite nonchalantly.

"You were invited to the Ambani pre-wedding bash?" I asked astounded.

"Yes Dikuna men."

"What is your claim to fame to justify being invited? Every Bollywood star, every business man, every billionaire including Gates and Zuckerberg... anyone who's anything was there in Jamnagar, and you... how did you pull it off?"

"I have a side bizness men… I am a wedding photoografer. See, I have a company called ‘Lobo Foto-phat', you get de pun… I made de phrase ‘fata-phat' into ‘Foto-phat; meaning dat I take de photos socko fast... jatpat-like," he said, excitedly.

"Got it, Lobo Lobo please continue."

"So my partner Quixote Qadros, he's very famous in our side Virar, he and I are food photographers, we got a call, we had to focus on shooting all de buffet dishes, undyoo, de veg peeeza, dey had flown in dat whatchucall from Japan…sushy! See I have a soft corner for dat dame Rihanna…so I was shooting de thepla-fafda-dokla and she came up to eat some…so I tried to take a selfie. She was very kind and agreed, den I tolded her dat I was also a singer dancer, I used to play at weddings men, all dose famous Catlick peepuls weddings... I had a band called Lobotomy.

I had made up two songs for her, one in Hindi and one in English… See men. Wot dat sardar fallow… ah, Daaljit Dosa, he was singing all dese songs to all our actresses... to Kareena... Karishma, Kriti… Kangana. No no not Kangana. Dis is de Hindi one -

‘Oye Rihanaa
Kya tumara gaana
Kha peeke jaana
Phir se aana'

You see she toh was fully confused wot all I'm singing... so I tolded her, here's anudder one, she has dat song na… come anda my umbrella, you herd it Dikuna men… come anda my umbrella ella ella... so I made up a song like dat onie.

"Camera camera… come in frent of my cam-era era era You can come in frent of my camera, era, era, eh, eh, eh… my camer, era, era, eh, eh, eh camera, era, era, eh, eh, eh frent of my camera, era, era, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh-eh."

"See men Dikuna, Rihanna took me on stage wid her and she made she dance"

"So Lobo Lobo why are you swaying your hips while you're talking to me?"

"You won believe… after my dance show wid Rihanna, fuss SRK came to me, and he made me dance with him, Bhai, and Aamir… I cannot tell you how many offers I have received to dance at private parties!" Just then Lobo Lobo received a call. After he finished he said -

"Dikuna dat was call from de Ambani office, dey want me to dance for dem for de final wedding… Taylor Swift is not answering dere calls in Singapore, so, I am being considered along wid Myley Cyrus."

"And where is the final Ambani wedding going to be, after all they have to top Jamnagar right? They need to have a much, much bigger location?"

"See Dikuna men, dey have decided to find a location dat is like de ninth wonder of de world, greater dan de Pyramids, better dan de Great Wall of China."

"What is this great architectural, archaeological wonder?"

"It is de Gokhale Bridge... men… you see where de Gokhale bridge, dozzeent connect wid de Barfiwalla flyover, so de plan is in July, dey will take over full Andheri - de bridegroom will be on the lower level... de Gokhale Bridge level... and dat dame de bride Radhika... she will be on top level, Barfiwala flyover, dere is a two-metre gap. and dey will perform dat balcony scene like from Romeo and Juliet… he will sing to her… den later, I will be on lower level and Myley Cyrus will be on higher level. Fun will become," Lobo Lobo concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com