“Uhm Lobo Lobo, what’s the sceene? You’re not telling me you’re uhm… no cannot be! You are a cable TV guy... how can you also be…,” I began, but he interrupted me.
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo stood outside my house, dressed in a peculiar golden-brown shaded orange collared T-Shirt.
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He was leaning against a parked scooter, with a delivery box, that read GO-AN HUNGRY?
“Uhm Lobo Lobo, what’s the sceene? You’re not telling me you’re uhm… no cannot be! You are a cable TV guy... how can you also be…,” I began, but he interrupted me.
“See men Dikuna, what goes of your fadder haah... so I’m ‘toda kadka’, little broke. Wot I’ll do, de cable company I work for, dey made me take voluntary retirment. Dey say I talk too much to de customers—So I’m tinking, how I can make some esstra moolah, wot are my options? I can become a footer coach, den my missus Myrtle, she is a caterer, she said, ‘Eh blinking Theo men... whole day I’m cooking cooking and we give money to dat WeFast courier service, why don’t you only deliver my food?’ And so I swunged into akhshin, I have one old trusted Bajaj Scooty, her name is Raquel... named after Raquel Welch”
‘You mean you work for a company like Swiggy or Zomato…?”
“Arre no no men, Dikuna. I beginned my own delivery service, called GO-AN HUNGRY? You goddit de pun? Goaaan Hungry… All all Goanqueeseene, we deliver Myrtle’s delicious food, her Poke Vindaloo, Beef Shakuti… I made dese Tshirts, brown colour to represent all Goan food!”
“And you serve both veg and non-veg food?”
Lobo Lobo guffawed, ironically— “Arry Dikuna, you tink dere are any chances of veg food coming from Myrtle’s kitchen… you may find some potatoes dat go into de Sorpotel! No no only non-veg! But den one day, my dotter, Cinderella, she’s a full woch you call dose people who eat all dat roots, and soil and trees and soya meat?”
“Vegan,” I suggested.
“Ah yes, Vegan. So she said, ‘Daddy, I’m beginning a catering service for vegan food, will you deliver for me?’ Dikuna men, how to say no to your dotter, so den I had to make new T-shirts… green coloured ones men!”
“You changed the colour from brown to green?”
“No men, I have separate separate T-shirts, brown colour for Goan food and green colour for vegan food, arre obviously men, wot people will tink dey if dey come to know I deliver dis vegan food, dey’ll bleddy start boooing me like dey are doing to dat ‘sukdoo’ fallow wasisname… aah Harpic Dandya… no no no, it will hurt my ‘rep’!” Lobo Lobo said shaking his head.
“I’m happy for you, Lobo Lobo, to have found a new profession.”
“Yes, and den suddenly our delivery service has started meking de rounds, getting a good name, udder people have started aksing me to deliver dere food—
Like my neighbour Taqdeer Aslam, old friend akshully, he’s one seven-foot giant of a man, he serves dat Bhendi Bazaar mutton biryani, Nalli Nihari-type khana, he aksed me, ‘Ey maka pao, mera khana bhi deliver karo, na… snacks item, tangdi kebab tandoori type item..’, so den I said to him, ‘Ok Miya…mai manzoor hai’, so I made a new T-shirt, ‘EENA MEENA TIKKA’ only for Mughlai type khana.
So you’re getting my plan, Dikuna men, I change de T-shirt and de slogan for each type of cuisine.
I have one Bengali babu friend, he used to play centre forwards in our Glaxose football team… he has one cuzzin from his mudders side, Buddadeb Bandopadhaya, so de udder day he aksed me,’’ Hey Lobo Da, seence you are delibering de pood, my seester, haar name ees, Bubbles Bandophadyaya… she mekes tha bayst Kosha Mangsho and Mastard pheesh..she ees gayting mayny ordars, you bhill daylivaa for haar…?’ I agreed.
“So what is the slogan you have printed for Bengali food?”
‘’CHITTY CHITTY BONG BONG,” he said. “All my delivery boys are riding around Mumbai, wid different different T-shirts and slogans! Solid plan has become!” Lobo Lobo, said quite satisfied with himself.
“And where you heading now?”
“Arrey today is Easter men... huge demand men,” he said as he revved his Raquel.
And he turned round to reveal the back of his T-shirt which read—ARE YOU EGG-CITED?
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at [email protected]
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