How early should you discuss gender expression with your children? At four, say experts. Surprised? The solution lies in telling stories, early and differently, proves a new children’s book that celebrates inclusiveness
The picture book, illustrated by Priya Dali, talks about a boy trying to understand himself and his place in the world. Aimed at children aged seven and up, the book is available on instamojo.com
Brand strategist Harshala Gupte might have written The Boy In The Cupboard while sitting in a café on a summer afternoon, but the idea was brewing in her head for a while. The picture book, published in collaboration with queer collective Gaysi and illustrated by Priya Dali, is a heartfelt tale about a boy trying to understand himself and his place in the world. “The idea came from an informed place; I used to teach girls in a shelter home and my mother is a teacher, too. Often, I’d find myself at a loss of words on coming across instances where a boy carrying a pink bag would be bullied.” She recalls another instance where a Std II girl student was ostracised by peers because she had started to see hair growth on her arms. “I wondered to myself what kind of narratives these children are internalising. Where does this sense of discomfort come from?”
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The book is an attempt to celebrate queer identities and make them more acceptable to children. That gender isn’t limited to boys and girls, and it’s time we stop assuming so, can be best done early and through storybooks, feels Gupte. “I often get asked if it’s too early to educate kids on these subjects. But when we talk about inclusivity, a lot of people think it’s limited to sexuality. That’s not really the case. Sexuality comes later; just telling them that there are going to be different kinds of people, will expand their understanding.” She says children need to grow up feeling less encumbered by rigid societal expectations.
At Apni Shala Foundation, which has centres in Chembur and Ghatkopar, kindergarten children are exposed to delightful story books such as Rainbow Girls and Rainbow Boys that discuss gender in a kid-friendly way
At Apni Shala Foundation, which has centres in Kurla, Govandi and Chembur, kindergarten children are exposed to delightful story books such as Rainbow Girls and Rainbow Boys that discuss gender in a kid-friendly way. Written by social scientist Kamla Bhasin and available in nine languages, it showcases different scenarios from a child’s daily life to drive home the message that children are individuals. Rohit Kumar, co-founder of the foundation, says they brainstormed to find inventive ways to build a curriculum that would cover gender identity and gender policing. The school has a mandatory three-hour training per month on diversity and inclusion. Pre-pandemic, the children had designated “free play” time, where in the first 30 minutes, they’d be handed a wide range of toys to play with. “In one of these activities, children started role-playing while imagining a Ganesh visarjan scenario. One of the girls wanted to play the dhol and the boys refused to let her. Luckily, the teacher noticed this and intervened. On being questioned, they said, ‘Didi, ladkiyan dhol nahin baja sakti kyunki woh ladke karte hain [girls can’t play the dhol because it’s a boy’s job]’. This led to an animated discussion on who decides gender roles. Later, we showed them videos of the Manini Dhol Tasha group, which has the distinction of being the only all-women shop group in Pune,” says Kumar. Gupte says when she has questioned kids in similar scenarios in the past, the answers are often attributed to “maine TV pe dekha”. “Media plays a critical role in portraying persons in stereotypical and hyper-sexualised roles. No adult has told them that if you apply a pink cream, you will look lovely. Ads are short, powerful stories, afterall.”
According to Kumar, children begin to explore both, their gender identity and expression as early as three years. This can take the form of how they identify (male, female, neither, or somewhere in between) what toys they play with, what they wear and how they act. Having been in the education field for over a decade, Kumar has come across umpteen cases of kids questioning these norms. “Some parents voiced their reservations about us introducing these concepts at such a young age. But we spend time making them understand what we are doing. In such a case, a moralistic stance of hum sahi hain aur aap galat, never works. We need to be empathetic.”
Rohit Kumar, Harshala Gupte and Pravin Madur
It’s the need for a wider outreach that propelled Gaysi to publish magazines, handbooks and sensitisation content on queer issues. While they have been doing this since 2011, this time, they narrowed their focus to kids, parents and educational institutes. “Even some of the elite international schools in India still approach gender and sexuality very apprehensively, no matter how progressive. You see a similar hesitation among NGOs and support groups to broach gender and sexuality to individuals below the age of 18. They have their own valid reasons for this,” says Gaysi co-founder Sakshi Juneja.
Pravin Madur, therapist at Ummeed, Mumbai, says, children observe messages about gender from adults’ appearances, activities, and behaviour from infancy. “By four, they have a stable sense of gender identity. By five, a child might go through a stage of exploring identities. For instance, a girl shows characteristics historically categorised as masculine. It’s important you don’t start gender policing at this point. Shaming or coercing them to conform to gender norms will only be detrimental to the child’s personality development.” He says a recent documentary by the BBC followed a school class in which gendered toys, activities and language were left out, with the result that behaviour and self-esteem improved significantly among children.
Researchers with the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and the World Health Organisation collaborated on the Global Early Adolescent Study to identify universal themes in gender identity development across countries and income levels.
The findings were based on interviews in 15 countries with 450 early adolescents and their parents or guardians. For young children, it may seem acceptable to cross gender boundaries. But once it becomes evident that a behaviour is socially defined as typical of the other sex, it is shunned because humans fear being ostracised, the study said.
Gupte, who came out to her family as cisgender pansexual (A cisgender person is one whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth. Pansexuality means being attracted to, or has the potential to be attracted to people of all genders), remembers that it wasn’t easy for them to come to terms with it. “There was no easy way or appropriate language at the time to explain it to them. If I give an adult a glossary for LGBTQIA+ terms, they won’t be able to grasp them easily. Which is why early and effective intervention becomes necessary. The book is as much for parents as it’s for kids.”
Make your child inclusive
. Madur say it’s important that you offer them a wide range of toys, books, and games that expose children to diverse gender roles.
. Develop classroom messages in gender-neutral language, such as “All children can . . .” rather than “Boys don’t . . .” or “Girls do”.
. Avoid using the “pink and blue categorisation”. Remember, colours don’t have an assigned gender.
. Allow them freedom of expression in terms of clothing, hairstyles, extracurricular activities.
. Expose them to a variety of role models. “This may include individuals who challenge stereotypes—families with two dads, or male nurses and female mechanics or engineers”.
. Don’t shame. Using phrases like “Oh, boys/girls don’t do that!” can be constrictive. There’s no one way to be a boy or a girl or a gender of your choice.
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