It’s not appropriate lunar wear, na?”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
And so, India’s Chandrayaan-3 has soft landed on the Moon… ISRO has created a truly historic moment for the country—true to form Bollywood, Tollywood, Kollywood, even Hollywood have all jumped up, this is the opportunity, they all feel, to make a spectacular movie—blockbusters, biopics, B Grade thrillers, heralding the anxiety, the action of the achievement.
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First off the blocks were the producers of the popular web series Made in Heaven. “Our title itself is so appropriate… we’re setting our season 3 on the moon, our two wedding planners will be busy organising ‘shaadis’ in an intergalactic universe—imagine they are match—making Uranusians with Martians, Saturnites and Plutonians, so we have some serious interstellar marital drama going on.”
The second producer said, “Of course, the only problem we have is how to dress our actors in the show, how can they wear Tarun Tahliliani lehengas, kameezes, and dupattas on the moon. It’s not appropriate lunar wear, na?”
Sunny Deol, fresh from his success of Gadar 2, screamed, “Nahin kuthe kaminey… this is a proud achievement for India, and I am a patriot… no one will make a blockbuster like me for the big screens.”
Alia Bhatt and Kriti Sanon, joint winners of the national award for Best Actress said, in a joint statement—
“Why do all astronauts have to be men, I think we should approach some brave producers who will back a female oriented space mission. Three women astronauts going to the moon, will be deadly.”
“We need a third astronaut, Alia,” Kriti said
“Let’s get Kangana Ranaut, so she doesn’t accuse us of nepotism.”
“Yes, and let’s call the film Rocket Girls.”
Vivek Agnihotri announced, “I am making a film on national integration titled The Crater Files.”
Akhshay Kumar said, “OMG 3… Oh, Moon Good is our third part of the OMG series.”
SS Rajamouli, the renowned South Indian director, jumped up excitedly, “Let’s be clear… this rocket, whachyoucallit, Vikram lander… where did it land? Tell me where? let me tell you—it landed on the South Pole of the moon... where? South Pole… South Pole means South… not North Pole, so it has to be a South movie, not your Northern nonsense, Hindi belt, all grungy and low lighting films... this has to be glossy, fantasy-like. We will make RRR Part 2!”
RRR stands for the three astronauts played Ram Charan, Rajinikanth and NT Rama Rao Jr… they land on the moon and do the Naatu Naatu dance!”
Telegu director Sukumar said, “I would like to make Praggu-The Rise Part 1. See our chess champ R Pragganandha, his petname is Praggu, and our moon rover is called ‘Pragyan’… so Praggu and Pragyan (like Luke Skywalker and R2D2 in Star Wars) go to the moon, to play against aliens in chess matches!”
In another part of the world, Tom Cruise was animated, “Guys I want my Ethan Hawke to up to space… Clint Eastwood has been, Tom Hanks has been, Ryan Gosling has been, I am gearing up for Mission Impossible: The Dark Hole.”
The ageing but super fit Harrison Ford began to get in shape for the next installment of the Indiana Jones franchise called Around the World in 80 Years.
Greta Gerwig called Christopher Nolan…
“Bro, you do know, that your budget for Interstellar was double the entire Chandrayaan 3 project?”
“And in turn, Barbie’s cost also far far exceeded it!” Nolan reminded her.
“Why don’t we collaborate on a blockbuster where Barbie and Oppenheimer head to the moon dressed in pink? she suggested
“You mean like a Barbieheimer 2?” he asked
“I was thinking of a kiddie flick titled Oppie and Barbie Get Spaced,” Greta said.
“How about we make a deep philosophical one, a tribute to Stanley Kubrick called 2023: Space Odyssey,” Nolan said.
“Oppie wants to build a nuclear bomb on the moon, and Barbie wants to wear a pink astronaut’s outfit and look for some feminists in space,” they agreed.
The film was announced, the cost equalling the total budgets of Chandrayaan 1, 2 and 3 combined.
Karan Johar called, Greta and Chris.
“Uhm, hello Mr Nolan and Ms Gerwig… may I suggest an Indian remake? We can call it Oppie and Barbie Ki Prem Kahaani?”
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at [email protected]
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